"Faith seeking understanding"
- Anselm of Canterbury-
I think the above sentence sum up on what is the biggest theme of my life right now. The faith that seeks understanding. I started with faith, and I am now seeking understanding to strengthen my faith in God, trying to understand God and His will, more and more.
It is a process. A necessary process. Some of them call it the "deconstruction and reconstruction of faith". If I may draw an analogy: It is like a puzzle. Some parts of the puzzle are firmly placed in the correct place. The other parts are still waiting to be placed correctly into the puzzle board. Sometimes you feel that one part has been correctly placed, but along the way you think that it is not, so you need to pull it out and wait for the next moment where you can put it back in the correct place. Sounds complicated? It IS!
The deconstruction part is unpleasant in a way that I am now sometimes feeling like someone that understand very little about God. I feel lost. I feel doubt. I am made realised that my theological and biblical foundation is far from solid. What an unpleasant experience! I sometimes not sure what to think, what to ask, what to answer, what to do, or which one to choose. And it is not just affecting my intellectuality, but also my emotional, social, and spiritual life. It affects my life, my whole being. But the reconstruction part is wonderful. There were moments that God gives answers, reveals more about Himself, and I am made amazed.
I faithfully embrace the process. I believe that this understanding of God will help me in building a solid foundation of my life. I believe that there will be time when my realization of faith in life will be much more solid. It is a lifetime journey, I believe, but this 3 years at TTC is crucial and intense. When I finish my study here, it is a different world out there, with a different process to go through.
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