The Near Future

Future... I like to think about the future, especially my future. And lately I thought a lot about it.
It makes me excited, but also apprehensive.

1. China trip
Excited because I will see and do a lot of new things, but apprehensive because of the language. Last Friday was my last day to work full time in my company. Previously I thought that I could use this two full weeks (until 10 May) to learn basic Mandarin conversation. But now, the company asked me to work part-time everyday (2-6pm) because they haven't found out a replacement for me. There gone my studying time... I think later I will count on my Mandarin phrasebook and dictionary :p
Still not sure whether I should go to Shanghai from Beijing. If the trip with Rev. HR is confirmed then I won't go to Shanghai as I will spend the last 5 days in China getting involve in his team. He needs to get the visa to go there. I haven't applied for any visa also.
Anyway, I think my boss will even go to the extent of asking me to cancel my trip to China and will reimburset the ticket cost.
Hmm... waiting for His answer... really need His spirit of discernment...

2. June holiday
Coming back from China will be a full month holiday in June. Excited because I will spend time with my parents in Phuket and after that will go back to Bandung, but apprehensive of what I should do for 2 weeks plus in Bandung.

3. Trinity T. College Life
This is the most exciting part, and as a result... it is the thing that makes me most apprehensive.
A lot of questions came up into my mind:
Why TTC? What will happen? Will I be able to cope with lessons & reading materials? Will I be busy with classes and papers? Will I be able to cope with the great minds of the lecturers from various school of thoughts?
Other than that, it's about the scholarship. It motivates me to study well. I want my college days back. I studied International Relations and I loved it, so all the classes and reading materials were not a burden for me. Well... I hope it also will apply in my Theological study. I love God, so study Theology is not supposed to be a burden for me, but a process to enjoy.
But the problem is, scholarship also means there are some expectations from others (the church and organisation that funded me). I don't like to think about human's expectations. For me, God's expectation for me is the most important thing. But... I cannot just disregard their expectation. They are still the people whom God used to fund my study.
The situation is quite complicated I guess.

Well, I'm basically a phlegmatic. And one disadvantage of being a phlegmatic is they are coward. They are afraid to confront people. They are afraid of rejection. They are afraid of hurting people or being hurt by others therefore they don't like to build a deep relationship. They are afraid of challenges, sufferrings and failure... They constantly look for comfort zone.

Many times when I think about the future, fear will take charge. It IS dangerous.

In times like this, I always find comfort from Elisabeth Elliot's writing on the famous (and one of my favourite) hymn by Horatio Spafford, "It is Well with My Soul". It is the first chapter of her book, Secure in the Everlasting Arms. Here is the excerpts:

Just after the Arab-Israeli War in 1967, I spent 10 weeks in Jerusalem. One afternoon I was invited to have tea with Mrs. Bertha Spafford Vester, who had lived there all of her 91 years, a fascinating woman. She was the fifth daughter of Horatio Spafford, who wrote "It Is Well With My Soul."

I remember sitting in the small dining room of the beautiful hotel where I was staying, which had been the home of the Spafford family, and I noticed this old lady. She fascinated me. She happened to sit just across from me and I could sit there and watch her eat and watch her talk to the servants, all of whom of course she knew because she lived there in that hotel. And I wondered who she was and finally I asked my waiter and he told me that her name was Mrs. Bertha Spafford Vester. I remembered that name, Spafford, and somehow or other--I don't really know how in the world it happened--she found out that I was in the hotel and might enjoy having a cup of tea with her. So that is what happened.

The story of that beautiful hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul," is familiar, I'm sure, to very many of you. But Mrs. Vester added many details that were certainly brand-new to me.

The great Chicago fire of the 1870s caused Spafford, a wealthy businessman, to take stock of his life. Wanting to know Jesus better, he decided to sell everything and move to the land where He had walked. "He" was capitalized, meaning where Jesus had walked. Shortly before the ship sailed, he was delayed by business but took the family to New York. For some reason that he was unable to explain, he had the purser change their cabin, moving them closer to the bow. He returned to Chicago to finish his business.

Then came a telegram: "Saved alone." The ship had sunk. Mrs. Spafford had survived. Their four daughters had perished. Had they been in the cabin originally reserved amidships, all five would have been drowned, for it was just there that the steamer had been struck by another vessel.

As we sipped tea and munched on Arab sweets, Mrs. Vester, who was not born until after the disaster, told me how her mother had described that terrible, black night when she and her four little girls were flung into the cold sea. Frantically, she had tried to save them. Barely she had been able to touch just with her fingertips the hem of the little gown of one of her babies, but she could not grasp it. She herself had been miraculously rescued as she floated unconscious on a piece of flotsam.

During Mr. Spafford's voyage to join his wife in France, the captain summoned him one day to the bridge. Pointing to his charts, he explained that it was just here, where they were at that moment, that the other ship had gone down. Spafford returned to his cabin and wrote the hymn which has comforted countless thousands:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll--
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

That word "lot" is not one we use in quite that way. It means whatever happens, that which comes by the will of the powers that rule our destiny, a share, a portion, an assignment. When we draw lots, no human power controls which will be ours. But Christians know that we are not at the mercy of chance. A loving hand, a great wisdom, and an omnipotent power rule our destiny.

The government of all is on the mighty shoulders of Christ Himself, who sees all long before it happens. All is intended for our blessing. How different things look. Yet think of the faith of Horatio Spafford, suffering the loss of all his children and writing, "Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well."

To love God is to love His will. That which He gives we receive. That which He takes, we relinquish, as glad to know ourselves in the hands of God as we should be sorry to be in our own, as Fenelon said. As glad to know ourselves in the hands of God as we should be sorry to be in our own. Wouldn't you rather be in the hands of God?

With what astonishment of gladness or sadness we receive some things. With what reluctance or delight we relinquish others. Yet we find that we can bear our own sufferings while of others' sufferings we say, "I could never bear that."

My friend Jim, whose wife has cancer, wrote to me. "The assignment is so hard, but always there are the gracious gifts, the winks of heaven--a friend stopping by, a plumber coming at the perfect moment. Coincidences? Not to one with the eyes of faith. God shields us from most of the things that we fear, but when He chooses not to shield us, He unfailingly allots grace in the measure needed. It is for us to choose to receive or refuse it. Our joy or our misery will depend on that choice."

"LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; and have made my lot secure." Psalm 16:5

What an encouragement! In times of worries and fear, I sometimes would say, "Whatever my lot." and it will remind me of this beautifully-written and God-inspired article.